I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
