yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
