I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
