FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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