the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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