I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
