Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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