Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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