I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
