if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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