May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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