you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize