This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
