R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
