I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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