Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize