I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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