I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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