nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
