Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
