I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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