I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Green mimosas i think yes
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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