just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Can you bring me the toilet please
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
