it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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