he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Randomize
