Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
