dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
