A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
