I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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