His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
