EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize