from now on my penis is your penis
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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