Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
