Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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