My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
