The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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