i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
