you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
