The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
