If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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