do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
