I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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