all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can I color on your dick again?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
