I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
