Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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