M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
