Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to have your abortion
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
