at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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