Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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