Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
