So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
