My liver just broke up with me...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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