I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
