Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
