Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
