Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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