I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
