She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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