only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
