The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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