Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
