You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
