The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
