i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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